2017-18, Free, Issue 07 2017-18, Leeds United, Subscribers

Are We Being Pranked?

7-pranked.jpg

In terms of doing very ‘Leeds’ things, Leeds have certainly Leeds’d it up this Winter. We signed a World Cup midfielder in a position we constantly crave, then sent him out on loan to a club who barely played the last player we sent out on loan, who returned to Leeds because he thought the loan was rubbish. The club continually asserts that transfers aren’t required and that we’re going up as champions, but there’s money to spend £4.5m on Adam Forshaw, a player who we didn’t necessarily need, but became available and was snapped up. With Leeds United defenders picking up red cards like tramps pick up dropped £50 notes, the club are cheerfully unwilling to obtain more centre-backs due to an imagined surplus that would cause.

This surplus must be hiding somewhere in Thorp Arch, because it appears to me at the time of writing like we’re only an injury away from having Lucas the Kop Cat standing in front of Felix Wiedwald. But it’s not like our next flurry of games are televised or anything, so I’m sure our abject inability to play football anymore won’t be embarrassing at all. I’m sure if we ask Wolves kindly they’ll sit down cross-legged in their own half and let us win for once. It would be rather sporting if they did.

The club have started acquiring players from all around Europe to drag into the worst U23 squad imaginable with the hope that it’ll somehow create Barcelona v2.0 in 2019. Perhaps due to the halted pipeline of talent imposed by Massimo Cellino who decided that anything beyond his legal fees and Peppe Bellusci was a needless decadent excess. Funding was slashed, employees were slashed and — mystifyingly — we are now observing a bit of a gap in talent in the development squad. It’s okay though, the north of England is full of Premier League teams who are more than happy to capitalise on our inability to invest in youth.

Christiansen was sacked after another episode of making Neil Warnock smug

Ian Harte had a ‘can someone collect yer da’ moment as he launched into a Farage-esque ‘Brexit means Brexit’ speech on Twitter (the perfect forum for objective and un-nuanced debate) lambasting the club for having an entirely Spanish development squad and entirely Spanish coach, solely talking Spanish and performing badly. Ignoring the fact that only a few players were Spanish on the day in question and that Ian’s perspective might be warped slightly by the fact he’s the agent of some Academy players… I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

Thomas Christiansen had been cutting a dejected figure and had tried literally everything to get Leeds winning games again. And by everything, I mean everything but changing the people, the tactics or the formation. He’d spoken a lot about trying things, and that’s just as good as actually doing them isn’t it? They say that madness is performing the same action multiple times and expecting a different result, so by that standard the high-pitched gillet wearing head coach was due to be dragged away by the men in white coats very soon. Before Radrizzani got him, obviously.

“I’ll play 4-2-3-1, it’s the last thing they’ll be expecting,” he’d squeak. “But sir, you’ve played that the last 109 games and we’ve lost the last 83 in a row,” comes a dissenting opinion. “I know, so it’s the last thing they’d expect me to do. It’s fine, this is definitely the right way to play, I can’t be wrong.”

Andrea Radrizzani then decided to fire the head coach just after the transfer window ended — a move that would be unusual were the head coach involved in player acquisition at all.

I had started to wonder if Thomas Christiansen was some kind of performance art that I didn’t quite understand. Perhaps we were all on Trigger Happy TV and there’s a camera recording our collective reactions when he brings Grot on to salvage a game where we’ve looked lost. Or when we’re on top in a game we’re chasing and he takes off Lasogga for Sacko. Sometimes I wonder if Ashton Kutcher will launch out of the tunnel, microphone in hand and loudly declare “YOU JUST GOT PUNKD, 15 WHOLE YEARS!”

It’s like watching a game-show where you’re screaming the obvious answer at the TV

Perhaps it’s like The Truman Show, where Leeds fans exist in this artificial bubble, every minute is filmed and the world is laughing at our ever-increasing ability to rationalise ridiculous things. “Of course we signed a new striker who is immediately injured, that makes total sense. No, I think you’re right, 19 development squad players are a very fitting replacement for Charlie Taylor.”

Christiansen was sacked after another episode of making Neil Warnock smug and in his classic high-pitched affable way he said goodbye to everyone and disappeared into the sunset, never to be seen again. Leeds fans (in a triumph of hope over experience) started arguing over which A-list manager would be stepping in. Silva? Wolf? I even saw someone wishing David O’Leary would return. Simon Grayson was perhaps peak nostalgia as some fans wished for a return to the heady days of losing 6-4 one week and winning 4-3 the next.

What actually happened was Paul Heckingbottom, fresh from a new contract at Barnsley, he elected to burn the bridge to his boyhood club and leap over to Leeds. A move that caused fans to grapple with a range of emotions that spanned from being underwhelmed, to being excited, to insisting that we’re getting relegated and deserve everything we get. But all it took was a single press conference and an edited training montage to bring the majority on side. All it took was a Yorkshire voice shouting commands at the squad to win over most fans. Some hardcore Brexiters were too excited at the notion of a British manager to think of anything more constructive while others were desperately trying to post-rationalise why this was the perfect appointment. Though with a win-less run at Barnsley that extends so far back that Dad’s Army was still releasing new episodes, and a squad so depleted it could mostly fit inside a Renault Clio, it’s hard to really expect him to hit the ground running with a big win.

The correct answer to “is this a good appointment?” is “who fucking knows anymore?” He looks good on paper, seems a driven chap and will instil some more rigour and discipline in the squad. Whether the solution to our problems was a bit more shouting I guess remains to be seen, but I’ve long since given up trying to predict whether a head coach will be good or not. That comes down to those above him, doesn’t it? On that note…

“Chris Wood money? Nope, never heard of him, sorry,” is set on Andrea Radrizzani’s email auto-responder. Meanwhile Victor Orta is doing maths on his notepad, where ten £1m players are better than one £10m player. Totally irrespective of the fact that 70% of them will be rubbish and the officials tend to look unkindly on fielding 21 players instead of 11.

‘Radz’ then came out with a bewilderingly honest interview with the YEP where he put a number of people on blast, called Christiansen a “big mistake” and demanded that the squad show which of them deserve to be here next summer. Perhaps this kind of behaviour is fundamental to Italian DNA as the above certainly sounds as likely to come out of Cellino’s mouth as anyone else’s.

“We don’t have the money for proven players this season, but we will next year,” was a sentiment that oozed out of the unusual interview, though I can’t fathom why you’d even disclose this.

What the ever-loving fuck are we, the fans, supposed to do supporting Leeds United? I know that we’re mid-table and we’ve been in much more bleak situations than this. But sometimes it’s like watching a game-show where you’re screaming the obvious answer at the TV while Julie from Romford scratches her head and suggests that the moon is the closest planet to the Sun.

But instead of clearly and professionally identifying gaps in the squad and plugging them sensibly with well scouted and researched players, it feels like we’re scatter-gunning our way to a full complement when we really could have done with fewer bodies and more quality. Instead of, for example, signing a centre-back, the club embarked on a needless redesign of the club crest.

The middle of the season is indeed a strange time to do such a re-branding exercise, considering you’d probably launch it with the new kit wouldn’t you? My suspicions of someone taking the piss were confirmed when I saw the proposed badge and it was a blue and yellow Gaviscon advert. Were fans not to contest this abomination (that supposedly came about from consulting 10,000 supporters) we’d be celebrating our centenary next season with a badge that the entire sporting world (and a single fishing magazine) thought was hilarious.

Honestly, are we being pranked? It’s okay, I’m not cross, I just want Luciano Becchio back, a white rose as our crest and a head coach that doesn’t repeatedly thrust his hand into flames and wonder why it gets burned every time. “Perhaps this time it won’t hurt.”

Call 999 Victor, he’s done it again.

It’s fine though, the new head coach is a shouty one. We’re as good as promoted. ◉

(artwork by Lee Shackleton)

[x_recent_posts type=”post” count=”3″ orientation=”horizontal”]

    phil_hay_podcast_2023_thumbnail
    Eight To Go
    tsb_podcast_2023_thumbnail
    Poor Dan James
    tsb_podcast_2023_thumbnail
    If you wanna be the best
    A photograph of Sarah Danby walking out of the tunnel for Leeds United Women with two mascots either side of her
    Chicken and egg
    tsb_guide_2023_web_thumbnail
    Elephant Stampede
    tsb_podcast_2023_thumbnail
    Do you recall?
    THE_MEMBERS_SHOW_38
    TSB
    Futebol
    members_show_2023_web_thumbnail
    TSB
    Barmby
    tsb_podcast_2023_thumbnail
    Ooh I wanna take ya
    240318_COC_5TH_ROUND
    TSB
    Knockout
    members_show_2023_web_thumbnail
    TSB
    Limewire
    PROP_240319
    Wind It In
    The Square Ball