O/T The Official Squareball Parenting Thread

[FER]

Stop! Stop! Not fucking adult Piriton!

Piriton syrup. For kids! Available from the chemist over the counter or on prescription.

Really? There's a difference?

[Disco Dan]

Stop! Stop! Not fucking adult Piriton!

Piriton syrup. For kids! Available from the chemist over the counter or on prescription.

Really? There's a difference?

I'm looking at it now and the label seems to indicate that adults can also take the syrup, so I guess it's the same stuff, but having it in syrup form means you can control the dosage and therefore give it to kids.

You've drugged your child haven't you?

[FER]

You've drugged your child haven't you?

Nah, I've been at work all day (still am) so it weren't me what done it guv'nor!

[eric olthwaite]

Being as how this thread occasionally gets used as a sounding board, just wanted to run this one past you:

My father-in-law is dying of cancer. Mrs O has been up there in Sheff for a while on and off. Subject to the results of one final test tomorrow, they're probably going to withdraw treatment. The aim is to try and get him out of hospital and home for the last few days if at all possible.

The kids know that he has cancer and is seriously ill, but we haven't really put a date against it for them. So here's the thing: I could take them up there so that they can see him but, let's face it, it's not a nice thing to see someone you love in the condition he's in - especially if you're a kid. He may die whilst we're there.

On the other hand, if I don't take them, will they regret not seeing him one last time?

Obviously, I'd also quite like to see the bloke and be there for the Mrs, but I'm kind of tied by what we do with the kids.

There isn't a 'right' answer. Sorry to throw the nasty fuckers like this at you; just wanted to know what other 'ballers would do in my position.

[MightyWhite]

Like you say, it's hard to give a definitely yes or definitely no answer. All I know is my nanna died of cancer when I was 16, and even at that relatively advanced age my dad still didn't want me seeing her in the last few weeks of her life. I feel a little bit of guilt that I wasn't able to see her one last time, but I don't resent my dad for making that decision. At least now I only have memories of her as the vibrant, loud, hard as nails matriarch, rather than the alternative.

[OWETB]

How old are the kids? Can you not have a chat and let them decide?

[Blackwhite]

Like you say, it's hard to give a definitely yes or definitely no answer. All I know is my nanna died of cancer when I was 16, and even at that relatively advanced age my dad still didn't want me seeing her in the last few weeks of her life. I feel a little bit of guilt that I wasn't able to see her one last time, but I don't resent my dad for making that decision. At least now I only have memories of her as the vibrant, loud, hard as nails matriarch, rather than the alternative.

I'm not a parent, but have seen plenty of adults (some elderly and used to it) who've preferred to Remember As Was rather than grasp a few more minutes filled with morphine infusers, pained grimaces and paper-thin skin. These are low-quality minutes on both sides of the equation, and I'd be tempted to steer them to that choice, and then get yourself up there to carry the wife with less to focus on.

Not sure what home palliative care he'll get: it might be hard to explain the Liverpool Pathway if they're there for that - dunno how old they are, if you have to explain the terminal phase of pain relief... some kids might think "they're killing grandad"...

Good luck, do you have some Macmillan support lined up?

EDIT to add: his wishes re: one last chance to see the grandkids not considered above. Was assuming he's pretty out of it.

[thechubbyone]

Being as how this thread occasionally gets used as a sounding board, just wanted to run this one past you:

My father-in-law is dying of cancer. Mrs O has been up there in Sheff for a while on and off. Subject to the results of one final test tomorrow, they're probably going to withdraw treatment. The aim is to try and get him out of hospital and home for the last few days if at all possible.

The kids know that he has cancer and is seriously ill, but we haven't really put a date against it for them. So here's the thing: I could take them up there so that they can see him but, let's face it, it's not a nice thing to see someone you love in the condition he's in - especially if you're a kid. He may die whilst we're there.

On the other hand, if I don't take them, will they regret not seeing him one last time?

Obviously, I'd also quite like to see the bloke and be there for the Mrs, but I'm kind of tied by what we do with the kids.

There isn't a 'right' answer. Sorry to throw the nasty fuckers like this at you; just wanted to know what other 'ballers would do in my position.

Unless they are really little kids, which I don't think yours are, I'd leave it up to them. If you stop them seeing him then they will potentially hold it against you forever, whereas if they go and it's horrible they will get over it. Just prepare them for the worst and get them out of there if it's too awful to be around.

[Ponte]

Being as how this thread occasionally gets used as a sounding board, just wanted to run this one past you:

My father-in-law is dying of cancer. Mrs O has been up there in Sheff for a while on and off. Subject to the results of one final test tomorrow, they're probably going to withdraw treatment. The aim is to try and get him out of hospital and home for the last few days if at all possible.

The kids know that he has cancer and is seriously ill, but we haven't really put a date against it for them. So here's the thing: I could take them up there so that they can see him but, let's face it, it's not a nice thing to see someone you love in the condition he's in - especially if you're a kid. He may die whilst we're there.

On the other hand, if I don't take them, will they regret not seeing him one last time?

Obviously, I'd also quite like to see the bloke and be there for the Mrs, but I'm kind of tied by what we do with the kids.

There isn't a 'right' answer. Sorry to throw the nasty fuckers like this at you; just wanted to know what other 'ballers would do in my position.

Unless they are really little kids, which I don't think yours are, I'd leave it up to them. If you stop them seeing him then they will potentially hold it against you forever, whereas if they go and it's horrible they will get over it. Just prepare them for the worst and get them out of there if it's too awful to be around.

Pretty much this. From other posts of yours your kids are 'older' and sound pretty clued up so I don't think it's just your decision. You need to talk it through with them, and of course the missus.

[MightyWhite]

Yeah I should probably add a caveat to my earlier post, in that I wasn't exactly close to my Nan. Probably only saw her once or twice a year due to distance and my family not really being that big on get togethers and what not, so my acceptance of not seeing her at the end might be a bit of a red herring.

Did see one of my best friends in his final days (he was only 22 ffs) and although it was horrible I certainly don't regret it.

[Phil LUFC]

Have a chat with them, let them decide, explain the situation and try to put them off, if they leave you with the impression it's definitely what they want, let them. Give them one last get out on the day before going in to the room.

[Ontolly]

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006040915811

I think you answered it yourself - there is no definitive answer

[Man Called Sun]

My grandma died of cancer when I was 15. I still remember the last time I saw her in't LGI.
No one had said to me she was defnitely on the way out, but I knew the score. I could also see how happy she was to see me when I went there, and I was glad to see her, so no regrets on that one.
I'd take em.

[mi.mic.mick.mick jones]

I think it all depends on the kids'ages. I think your father in law would love to see them at least one more time. When my mum died, my kids were young and so they remembered her as she was. My mum didn't know what was going on in the final week or so, so she probably wouldn't have known the kids had been to see her. Last year, my wife's grandmother was very poorly, and we knew it wouldn't be long (she was 99) my kids were 20 and 18 so they went to see her quite often, and the old girl still had her wits about her and engaged in meaningful conversation. So it's your choice really, I can't say if your' right or wrong. But good luck in your decision, and my thoughts are with you in what I know is a difficult time.

[Jovo Simanic]

You don't get a second chance to say goodbye, to tell those people what they mean to you and to be there for them when they are scared, lonely and in pain. What's worse - seeing somebody dying, living with not being there for them when they needed you or leaving things unsaid that you wanted to say? As others have said, speak to your kids - if they're old enough it should be their choice. However I'd also ask your father in law - a dying man's wishes should be granted. If he wants to see them, and you think they can cope, I'd take them. At worst, if they can't make it, you can always get them to write a letter or something that he could read so they at least know they have told him they care - I'd say it's really important that when he goes they don't have any regrets that could have been avoided.

[Jovo Simanic]

I'd also add that if they are young, be prepared for a lot of questions - not quite the same but last year I took my 3yr old to see my grandfather's coffin and it prompted some BIG questions, "what happens when you die? How did he die? Can he hear us? Will you die? When I die you will have to go in the car behind the box and you will be very sad. I don't want you to die. When people get old their bodies stop working and they die." and on and on. It's pretty hard to deal with when you're not in the best state of mind. Not entirely sure it was the right thing to do but seeing the coffin and talking to him about it has helped him make a kind of sense of it which I hope is less scary.

Anyway, it's shit. There's no right answer. Whatever you decide I hope it works out.

[eric olthwaite]

Thanks people.

To respond to various bits, the kids are 10 (the lad), 15 and 17 (the girls). The difficulty is that the girls are probably old enough to cope, but maybe the boy isn't. But if we head up to Sheff, we've all to go together. Anyway, I've had a chat with the girls and we're heading up at the weekend. I'm really hoping he'll still be in the hospital, as that way we can take a view on who goes to see him once we get there. To add to the difficulties, the middle one starts her GCSEs the week after next, and she really doesn't need this shit to cope with.

The other thing is that, as I understand it and depending on the bloke's state of awareness hour-to-hour, the wife, her sister and her mother are having to visit in shifts because the bloke can struggle with more than one or two people in the room. He's quite confused, on and off. It may be that he's not up to the kids.

We'll see, I guess.

[Blackwhite]

If his morphine increases he will find it tougher still to keep up; but he will hopefully be relatively pain free.

Best to all

[Ponte]

Just to add on the age thing as your boy is 10, when my grandma died last year (who my kids were very close to), the day of the funeral came, both kids went to school as I thought them too young to go. I had a phone call to pick my son up as he wasn't well. He ended up coming along (aged 7) and he was brilliant, as said by JS earlier, he asked a lot of questions but he coped remarkably.
I know all kids are different and the funeral is different to seeing them near the end but kids are resilient.

[Dale White]

My lad was 8 when my mum died in 2002 and we decided not to take him to see her in her last days or the funeral, it just didn't seem right to take him at that young age.