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Shirt porn

Rating Leeds’ Champo fixtures by how aesthetically pleasing the kits will look

Written by: William Almond
Artwork by: Eamonn Dalton
A collage of Champo kits from this season, with a little glimpse of Wilf Gnonto in our away kit (which is the best, obvs)

The thing that neither xG nor Mikel Arteta will ever understand is that football isn’t a game to be analysed and perfected, but something to be experienced, lived, and tasted.

Let’s face it, I am simply never going to care about an inverted winger as much as I do about what the kits look like. So let’s dive in. Here’s what every Leeds United game will look like this season, seen solely through the lens of the two shirts.

Portsmouth (H)

Obviously, all football was better when you were ten. It isn’t necessarily that Pep has ruined football (although he has), or that money has taken the game away from the average fan (although it has), or that VAR kills the intensity of the moment so crucial to the sport (although it obviously has).

It is, in large part, just that you were young and enthusiastic rather than the jaded cynic you are now. Except Portsmouth shirts, Portsmouth shirts were objectively much much better when you were 10. Lomano Lua Lua pulling backflips in a shirt emblazoned with the parent company of Beanie Babies. I mean, come on!

Anyway, this shirt was fine, wasn’t it. Blue, some thick pinstripes, and a local sponsor. Good contrast with the white. All very… fine. God, I wish I was young again.

Portsmouth: 6/10
Combo: 7/10

West Brom (A)

A home vs away clash, as God intended. I like this West Brom kit a lot, clean lines, good colours and a background pattern that complements rather than intrudes. That said, ‘ideal HEATING’ is a definite downgrade from ‘ideal BOILERS’, let’s be honest. Why does everything have to be corporatised, vertically integrated and sanitised? It’s Levi Solicitors, not Levi Legal Services.

Overall, a good kit from Ma**on though. The wait for a win against West Brom in yellow goes on. The last time Leeds beat West Brom in yellow was 24th August 2002. Harry K****ll, Lee Bowyer and Mark Viduka got the goals in a 1-3 win. I was eight.

West Brom: 8/10
Combo (yellow): 9/10

A photograph of Pat Bamford trying to close down some West Brom player and pulling a silly face
Photograph by Alamy

Sheffield Wednesday (A)

Obviously, who cares now, but this Sheffield Wednesday kit is awful. A return to form from Macron. The grandad collar is not for me. The stripes are thin without being pinstripes, and inexplicably have a zigzag pattern interlaced. To misquote Arctic Monkeys, you’re not Inter Milan, you’re from (near) Rotherham.

The problems don’t end there though. There’s a big and obvious join between the sleeves and the main body of the kit. The badge is too big. None of it is good. Yellow looked alright again though, didn’t it?

Sheff Weds: 4/10
Combo: 7/10

A photograph of Ethan Ampadu standing next to some Sheffield Wednesday player during Leeds' win at Hillsborough
Photograph by Alamy

Hull (H)

This kit would look nicer, or at the very least more interesting, if it had been recently mauled by a tiger. Unremarkable design, big sponsor, bland.

Annoyingly, we’ll probably be seeing it twice. Hull’s away kit is quite nice, but it’s also mostly white so difficult to see it appearing in either fixture against Leeds. This will be home on home. Fine.

Hull: 4/10
Combo: 5/10

Burnley (H)

This looks likely to be another home v home affair. So, Burnley’s home kit then.

It’s a bus seat. Like a nice bus. The sort of bus you might have taken to visit your nan in a 90s coming of age film. But nonetheless a bus seat. I looked up the sponsor, 96.com, and now my laptop’s fan makes an incredibly loud noise every time I open a new tab. The colour combo should look okay from the stands though.

Burnley: 5/10
Combo: 6/10

Cardiff (A)

Remember New Balance? Everyone had the trainers, and there was Liverpool, and then it all sort of went away again. Cardiff, like Leeds, have a retro thing going on this year. Old crest and the chevron that their forerunner, Riverside AFC, used to use (apparently). Which is all very lovely. The result, overall, is not great though.

Again, a blue kit so it’s likely we’ll see the home kit again. Sometimes the jobsworths at the EFL and PGMOL surprise you though, don’t they, so it could be yellow. Both will be classic football combos.

Cardiff: 4/10
Combo: 7/10

Coventry (H)

Hard to work out what Coventry will wear in this one. Last year they wore their away kit at Elland Road — it seems unlikely they’ll get away with that this year, though, as this year’s effort features a white kit with a faint, grey, snakeskin (??) pattern. It’s actually okay, but surely the colour combination isn’t going to wash.

Sky blue is a great colour, and Coventry are maximising it on their home kit. It’s a slightly strange texture though, and appears to come with But will they be allowed to wear sky blue against Leeds in white? There is, as yet, no third kit.

It’s not entirely unprecedented for teams to wear an away kit at home, and I would love to see yellow v sky blue.

Coventry Home: 8/10
Coventry Away: 7/10
Blue/yellow combo: 10/10

Norwich (A)

The classic yellow and green for Norwich obviously. This one is definitely more yellow than green though. It’s also got a faint chequered flag design, so presumably we’ll only see this kit from March onwards, once City’s season is over.

The sponsor Blakeley appears to be a clothing company, whose USP seems to be smashing Blakeley in massive letters across everything they make. They’ve very much kept up the habit with this shirt. Integrated marketing, fair play I suppose.

You’d have to assume Leeds will be in white here.

Norwich: 5/10
Combo: 6/10

Sunderland (A)

OK, it’s a long way to Sunderland, but it’s worth it to see this kit.

Ideally, of course, you’d get to see a version of this kit without the sponsor. Maybe go and watch Sunderland U18s or something. Why is it on two levels? Why are there two different typefaces? Why is there a black box? But okay, fans of teams in glass houses and all — so let’s just pretend the sponsor doesn’t exist.

Sunderland’s base kit, red and white stripes, is always going to be a solid template to work from. Then you add hummel chevrons (who isn’t a sucker for a hummel chevron?) and some tasteful detailing which gives a richness and depth to the whole thing. England have done this well in recent years. It makes you feel slightly better about parting with £100 if the shirt slightly resembles a chair you saw in Harewood House once.

United have generally played in a dark away/third kit for this fixture in recent years. The bad news is that when we have had a yellow away kit (early 2000s), we’ve generally worn white for this fixture. I think the last time we beat Sunderland in yellow was 23rd December 1990 — Mel Sterland with the goal. Come on the jobsworths, let us have it again please. The red/white/yellow looks zany and retro, like you’re watching grainy footage of the Tour de France from 1993. With less doping.

Sunderland: 9/10
Combo (if yellow): 10/10

Sheffield United (H)

Lots of potential for very similar kit combos in consecutive games this season. And they say the fixture generation is random. It certainly makes you think. Covid vaccines maybe? How many letters are there in THE EFL IS RIGGED?

This kit is described as a ‘mix of classic and modern’, but what it actually is is a bit of a mess. Red stripes, white stripes, black pinstripes AND yellow flashes on the sleeve and bottom. Then there’s a pattern with faint black lines which I thought at first was supposed to be roses, but on closer inspection might be entirely random. If this kit was stranded alone on a desert island, locked in one of those hermetically-sealed silence chambers where people go mad, it would still manage to clash with something. There is simply no kit that could work with this.

Leeds will probably be in white. The home side doing their best to bring some tranquillity to an otherwise baffling spectacle.

Sheffield United: 1/10
Combo: 4/10 (Leeds doing all the work here)

Watford (H)

This is a really lovely kit.

They have a gambling sponsor, but to be fair the sound and feel of Mr. Q is more ‘1950s American housewives swear by this wonder product!’ This mid-century advert overlays pinstripes in tasteful black and red. Yeah, really good, it has to be said.

This is a dark enough yellow that Leeds will almost certainly get away with white. Arguably everything about this kit (with the exception of the badge) is better than the kit we’ll be wearing. For the spectacle, and I don’t want to upset anyone or prick up the ears of Angus Kinnear here, but I think you’d really want LUFC in blue.

Watford: 10/10
Combo: 9/10

Bristol City (A)

Lovely collar and sleeve combo on this one, which apparently mimic flags around Ashton Gate. They’ve also gone for the chequered flag pattern — again, appropriate for a team who finished 11th last season. On the beach by Feb.

My real issue with this kit is the sponsor. Huboo? The worst of touchy feely corporate branding — ‘I’m a recyclable bottle! Please be gentle with me’ — combined with ludicrous tech spelling. They’re an ‘eCommerce fulfilment partner’ by the way. Please bring back the Royal Mail. Still, as we’ve discussed previously, you won’t really see the sponsor from a distance.

Leeds in white, probably. Yeah, pretty good.

Bristol City: 7/10
Combo: 8/10

Plymouth (H)

I’m pretty sure this sponsor is ‘Classic Builders’ written in Times New Roman which makes it the most Big Sam, 4-4-2, run the channels, get it in the mixer sponsor in the Championship. And, therefore, the best. The rest of the shirt is fairly inoffensive. The Plymouth green is a good enough colour that it doesn’t really need the pattern in my humble opinion.

Plymouth: 8/10 (at least 4 of these points are for the sponsor)
Combo: 8/10

Millwall (A)

Lot going on here. The folded collar is very swish, but the same pattern doesn’t really work on the sleeves. The top of the shirt has a classy design reminiscent of a retro Scotland top, only to be cut off seemingly at random and replaced with white stripes of increasing size.

In a sad indictment of the gentrification of both football and London, they have a sponsor (MyGuava) that sounds like something you would overhear only in Bermondsey’s trendiest cafes — bookended by “that’s” and “Quentin!” It certainly doesn’t belong on the front of a football shirt. Payments app, by the way.

Unlikely, but possible, that the white on this shirt could prevent Leeds turning out in white. To be fair, either combo will look crisp here.

Millwall: 6/10
Combo: 7/10

QPR (H)

Remember the Bob Marley inspired Ajax kit that everyone bought? Well, it appears QPR have gone in the same direction here. It’s… alright, if a bit odd. This would actually sit much more comfortably alongside the yellow kit, but you’d have to think it’ll be white.

QPR: 4/10
Combo (white): 4/10
Combo (yellow): 7/10

Swansea (A)

This is a lovely shirt. Tasteful accents complement their main sponsor’s orange, which can be a tricky colour to pull off.

The shirt texture is a little bit ‘house-on-homes-under-the-hammer-that-just-needs-some-cosmetic-work’, but this is a very successful effort in my opinion.

This will presumably have to be an outing for the third kit, which I think could be really really good. That said, the game is currently scheduled as a 12:30 kick-off in December and I have a feeling that our third kit and this Swansea home effort will both look much better under the lights.

Swansea: 10/10
Combo: 10/10

Luton (H)

Luton’s home kit shouldn’t work. It’s loud, it has colours and lines that appear at random and from nowhere. And yet I think this is an ideal football kit to watch from the stands. High contrast and high energy. Perfect for a game currently scheduled under the lights. The whites in white.

Luton: 8/10
Combo: 9/10 (10/10 if Sky don’t mess about with this one)

Blackburn (A)

Another tidy Macron effort! Football shirts in quarters feels like something the number crunchers at kit manufacturers should have killed long ago, so I’m all behind any teams keeping the dream alive. Points off for a rival solicitor main sponsor (10% off etc etc etc), while the Venky’s sleeve sponsor is not only incongruous visually but has to hurt if you’re a Blackburn fan. The background roses are once again giving off dated interior decor vibes but this isn’t awful.

Derby wore yellow against Blackburn on the opening day, so that could well be the move here. Leeds last beat Rovers in yellow in 2017 thanks to a Pontus Jansson header. Leeds moved to ‘within a point of third’. Would you take that situation in November?

Blackburn: 6/10
Combo: 6/10

Derby (H)

If any Derby fan tells you that, as a club and a fanbase, they are over spygate, please show them this away kit. This is clearly a (very poor) attempt at training ground camouflage. The official release attempts to hide this by claiming this green is founders green, and the kit based on their first ever kit from 1884. They are fooling nobody.

As a standalone kit, this is odd, but the white of Leeds might bring some normality to proceedings and allow it to shine.

Derby: 6/10
Combo: 7/10

Middlesbrough (H)

*Disclaimer*: This was written prior to the Carabao Cup horror show at Elland Road and is in no way a reaction to that. Anyway.

What a horrible home kit. It looks cheap and has a betting sponsor. I know Leeds are in the Championship, and so I say this with some respect, but it is the most Championship looking kit I have ever seen. It’s just so low energy. The sort of kit that gets subbed at halftime as a straight swap with no tactical changes.

Boro: 3/10
Combo: 5/10

A photograph of Bill Ayling leaping into the air to beat Pat Bamford for a header during Middlesbrough's League Cup win at Leeds
Photograph by Alamy

Preston (A)

There are a lot of teams in the Championship, and I really cannot bring myself to comment on this kit. It’s fine. Leeds could be in the third kit, which would liven things up a bit. As with Swansea, opposite a neutral white is probably the best that kit will look.

Preston: 5/10
Combo: 8/10

Oxford (H)

There have clearly been some personnel changes at Macron since they were in charge at Leeds United, because Oxford’s home kit is another gorgeous kit. Boiler based sponsor, plus a chevron pattern worked artfully into the kit with various shades of yellow. The only problem with this kit is presumably the sales challenges it will have, eh Angus? Hopefully the powers that be will allow us to have this yellow v white clash twice.

Oxford: 9/10
Combo: 8/10

Stoke (A)

Clearly there were some staff at Macron who didn’t take up the offer of early retirement, because this is terrible. What is this modern obsession with adding black to a red and white kit? The good news is that from the stands, those details may not be immediately noticeable and red and white stripes is a pretty difficult look to kill completely. May be another outing for the long-awaited yellow kit here.

Stoke: 4/10
Combo: 7/10

Right, that’s the first half of the fixtures done — I know, I wish I was doing this for a Premier League season just as much as you do. From now on, only fixtures where the kit combo will in all likelihood be different, will be covered. If a game isn’t here, there’s a fair chance we’ll just be running it back.

Derby (A)

In fairness to Derby’s away kit, their home kit is much much worse. Pixelated, clip art detailing on the collar and sleeves, and a vibeless quality which is difficult to describe but that fills you, head to toe, as soon as you see this shirt. The one saving grace is that there’s enough black to think Leeds will definitely be ok in yellow.

Derby: 3/10
Combo: 6/10

Blackburn (H)

Blackburn claims this harks back to their Premier League winning away kit. I hope they’ve still got the medals because this won’t be winning any design awards. Leeds in white.

Blackburn: 3/10
Combo: 5/10

Sheffield Wednesday (H)

I really hope we get to see Wednesday’s away kit here.

This shirt could very easily be a little bit Fred Perry, a bit this-man-has-sixteen-laptops-open-for-Oasis-tickets. But I actually love it. Bold colours, classy detailing, and an appropriately coloured badge. We may well not see this, and it’s a shame that crowd considerations mean this game will never be at night under floodlights, but this is great.

Wednesday: 10/10
Combo: 8/10

Coventry (A)

Even if the kitmen, PGMOL and EFL all fail to get their act together for the reverse fixture, this time we should definitely get sky blue vs yellow in this one — easily the most pleasing combination on this list.

Coventry: 8/10
Combo: 10/10

West Brom (H)

Leeds wore yellow in the clash last weekend, meaning that either United were more than happy to take an opportunity to sell some more of those yellow shirts, or that someone wasn’t happy with the clash. If the latter’s the case, then we’ll see West Brom in their pink third shirt in this one. If it didn’t have a needless ‘recently plastered’ texture to it, this would be really nice. The white, blue and red detailing on sleeves and collar strongly resembles England kits of recent years and is extremely classy. White vs pink could have a certain drama.

West Brom (home) combo: 8/10
West Brom (third) combo: 7/10

Preston (H)

I don’t know how to explain it, but Preston’s away kit is an international kit. Not a major nation but, say, the Faroes. This is a shirt you find in XXS in a charity shop six years after it was released. It’s a pleasant enough colour though.

Kit: 5/10
Combo: 6/10

God, please get promoted, Leeds, so I only have to do this for nineteen other teams next season. ⬢

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