It’s Christmas-time, and the boys at Leeds United have been, on the whole, very good this year. Since August, anyway. As Ken Bates’ polar opposite finalised his naughty and nice lists, I managed to sneak into his workshop to find out just what our young men will be receiving this year for all their hard work. All it took was a pair of binoculars, some wire-cutters, and a tactically-placed laundry basket. No fat bloke in the world would have rumbled me.

After the elves had retired for the night, I crawled out from the collection of jingly shoes and soiled onesies, to peek at the presents they had prepared for our players.

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