Wembley. The atmosphere is bad, Leeds always lose and you can’t really see anything. I can’t do much about the first two. But it turns out there is one thing that pretty much always stands out on a football pitch. A bald bonce.

As Will Smallbone was busy making a mockery of a Leeds midfield that he by turns bullied, outthought and outran, he stood out not just because of his performance but because he, well, stood out. Nobody in a Leeds shirt could match his invention, calm or creativity, but more importantly none of them looked nearly as distinctive or impressive while (not) doing it.

Smallbone has alopecia and has spoken movingly about his struggles since being diagnosed. I don’t in any way mean to mock him here, but there’s no doubt his is a distinctive look in modern football. It’s hard to pinpoint one reason for this. A possible explanation is what I’m calling ‘Archie Gray’s Safeguarding Plan’. Modern football is increasingly populated by teenagers given their chance in the first team without the need to spend half a decade as a glorified shoeshine first. As a consequence merely of their youth, fewer are bald.

You might think that the long-term effects of chronic *inhaler* use as treatment for *asthma* might be working in the other direction, but this is surely easily balanced out by the continuing abundance of flights to Istanbul. For legal reasons I am unable to dub this phenomenon with the name of any current player.

Finally, as anyone who has spent time on Twitter will know, footballers in the 70s and 80s just looked rougher. Teeth, hair, skin, the lot. Ultimately, footballers are rich now, and so if they want to have hair, they probably can.

Leeds’ last bald player was Souleymane Doukara. Fourteen goals and eight assists across three seasons was seemingly enough to put the Leeds hierarchy off the idea of bald men for life. But this is a drought that has gone on far too long. It’s time to bring them back.

On the touchline, bald is already thriving. Pep Guardiola is widely regarded as the best manager in the world. Erik ten Hag is also a football manager. Even Enzo Maresca has managed to land the Chelsea job despite his best efforts at failing to get the best squad in the Champo promoted, having had a fourteen-point head start to boot.

Lee Carsley could well be the next England manager. Picture the scene in two years’ time. He holds the World Cup aloft, the trophy glinting in the New Jersey sunshine. But something else glints too, and before long you can no longer tell the two glints apart. They are now one, the distinction lost in a hazy mirage of champagne and ecstasy.

On the pitch, Portsmouth’s Connor Ogilvie did his best to dent my faith in this bald revolution, giving away a penalty with a brainless challenge on Dan James. However, his apparent imperviousness to being sent off quickly restored my belief. So if Leeds are to be at the vanguard of this hairless revolution, who could they bring in?

It’s worth noting first that Ligue Un is clearly the baldest of the top five European leagues and so will feature heavily here. Perhaps this shouldn’t be a surprise. France’s highest-profile exports to England, Thierry Henry and Patrick Viera, were (eventually) both bald. And does anyone really believe that Zinedine Zidane’s headbutt on Marco Matterzzi would be nearly as iconic if there had been soft locks to mitigate the force of that blow to the chest? Clearly the pure contact of skin on polyester was the only way for such a mercurial player to bow out.

Goalkeeper: Maxime Dupé

For hopefully obvious reasons, none of the players on this list are going to be rising stars with the world at their feet and a whole career ahead of them. But at 31, Dupé isn’t exactly ancient for a goalkeeper either. In his prime even! The motto of bald men the world over.

Maxime is currently warming the bench at Nice having joined from Anderlecht in January, so could theoretically be available. Petr Cech’s orange goalkeeper kit at Chelsea was reportedly designed to make him appear bigger and more intimidating to onrushing strikers. Are you seriously telling me this man’s shiner wouldn’t have a similar impact?

Say hi to our new number 1. 🇫🇷 Bienvenue en Belgique, Maxime Dupé. Plus d'infos sur https://t.co/k4mOlph7Rg. pic.twitter.com/F4iB0uY2Q9

— RSC Anderlecht (@rscanderlecht) July 18, 2023

Midfielder: Teddy Teuma

Teuma would certainly be an ambitious target for Leeds. The Frenchman captained Reims in three times last season after joining from Union Saint-Gilloise for €5m in 2023. But Teuma could certainly help Leeds with goals from midfield, having scored six and created three in Ligue Un last term.

Much more importantly than any of that, though, is that aesthetically he gives off a Marcos Senna-eque aura. This is a man who is entirely comfortable in who he is, and you are not going to rush him in the middle of the park.

Le coup de canon de Teddy Teuma 🚀#UnJourUnClub pic.twitter.com/1WFexlNGR3

— Ligue 1 McDonald's (@Ligue1) August 11, 2024

Striker: Sandro Ramírez

Having fired Las Palmas to promotion in 2022/23, Ramírez struggled to repeat his Segunda Division form in the Spanish top flight last season. But in case it’s escaped anyone’s notice, Leeds United currently find themselves outside of England’s top table.

Two seasons ago, Ramírez scored seven goals in 22 appearances (only twelve starts), including four in four at the end of the campaign to seal promotion for his side. And he looked great doing it.

Todos los goles de Sandro Ramírez esta temporada 2023/2024 en Las Palmas (19 partidos – 1370 minutos).

🧵 Abro hilo pic.twitter.com/u1BZsaOn6C

— Paco Jones (@_pacojones) April 8, 2024

Leeds have a chance to move on from Victor Orta’s reign of terror in style, by remoulding the squad in a new, exciting, shiny direction. Let’s get to it. ⬢