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Thanks for tuning into another episode of 31/7. Unfortunately the weekend's events have forced me to interrupt normal programming with this very important letter to one Miss Lauren James.
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She is being a doofus again and she probably doesn't want to hear what I've got to say, but by heck she needs it. I'm not sure she subscribes to this newsletter but I figure that if we all activate our WoSo phone trees we can surely somehow get this vital message to the most naturally gifted football player in the country... can't we?
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So please, forward this on at will to help me to reach LJ. The future of the English football depends on you!!!!!
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You're lucky sweet little Lia was so generous about it. Others won't be. When asked about it post-match, she inexplicably covered your arse: “All good, all good, all good. That happens, that’s part of football.”
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It's not part of football. So if you will insist on keeping up this habit, might I suggest that you take it off the pitch and stick to this sanctioned list of stamp victims:
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Better still, though, give it a rest altogether. We’ve all seen what you’re capable of. You are really good at football and we’d all rather you ping the ball into the back of the net from an impossible angle or feint, wiggle, dummy your way past all and sundry than see the imprint of your boot in someone else’s skin.
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Besides, if you carry on this way, we’ll have to start seriously questioning the worth of your words. You weren’t just sorry, you were really sorry. How can it be “wholly out of character” at the World Cup, and then happen again just four months later? It’s almost as though you didn’t even read the WikiHow article on ‘How to Apologise’ which I sent you in August.
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Sure, you stated your regret and accepted responsibility. I recognise that you didn’t have the chance to use humble open body language, since your apology was written and published by a member of the Lionesses media team. However, you missed off one of the most crucial steps:
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That’s right. A true apology is one where you acknowledge your mistakes and assure that it won’t be repeated again! Can you be really sorry twice?
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As well as costing me some of the most stressful minutes of my life to date, your Round of 16 antics yoked your own progress on the global stage. Imagine how utterly ridiculous you might have made Matildas’ defender Ellie Carpenter look in that semi-final against Australia? You’d have had a right laugh — and there were all your pals, having a hoot without you. Wasn’t that enough to make you think again?
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Everyone forgave you, then, for being a young hothead. Nowadays, people on Reddit are forecasting that your attitude will be your downfall, speculating that your England career could be limited as no one wants the baggage of a constant red card risk.
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Maybe, before Chelsea's Emma Hayes betrays us all by going to manage the US women’s national team at the end of this season, her greatest legacy to her country will be cleaning up your act. Though, the World Cup showed that sitting you out for a couple of games won’t cut it — she’s going to have to use some tougher measures to whip your mentality into shape.
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Meantime, I hope you won’t mind that I’ve included some recommendations of my own. I’m no scientist but there seems to be a relationship between how well you play football and the occurrence of your childish petulance.
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If you have an earnest desire to stamp out stamping, a clear takeaway from this chart is that being a better football player will help you to cut down.
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This is easier on some occasions than others. You might have noticed the problem with you being really fucking talented. It means that opposition teams tend to go ‘oh no, we’d better deal with her’, and next thing you know there’s four feet nipping at your ankles instead of two.
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Short of paying off your opponents to leave you the heck alone, you’ve got two choices: you either get better at escaping them, or you figure out how to keep your head in the event that you repeatedly lose the ball or cannot make the impact in the game that you crave.
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I’ve dribbled past about four players in my entire football career so I wouldn’t know anything about getting past four in one swoop en route to scoring a goal — but I can imagine it’s addictive. It’s not nice if one week you’re absolutely balling then the next week, some clever tactics by the bastard opposition stop you from doing it. But it’s important to remember that you can’t control everything that happens on the football pitch and the good bits wouldn’t feel so good if you didn’t have the off games, as well.
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Challenge and obstacles are essential to growth and, rather than resisting, you should embrace the fact that you’ve still got somewhere to go. If you’d conquered the world at 22, what else would there be to look forward to?
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Look, it ain’t easy out there. No one gets through life without a bit of self-doubt. Here are my suggestions for when you next feel inadequate (you’ll note that none of them involve stamping on another human being):
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- Ring your Mum, she’ll gas you up.
- Watch some of your highlights. If I retired with those, I’d be happy, but you’ve got the chance to make hundreds more and that’s exciting.
- Hang out with a dog because they’ll love you no matter whether or not your stepover comes off.
- Climb a hill and get some fucking perspective. Your ego isn’t the be all and end all, sunshine.
- Remember that the difference between you and Callum, who lived down the road from me when I was a kid and also has a natural flair for football, is that you put in the hard yards to make the most of it and he’s a salesman with a coke addiction. Your talent is a privilege but you deserve your success.
And finally, if none of those things work, as a last resort: get over yourself.
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Have you ever lashed out in a professional context? Ever said you're really sorry then done the exact same thing soon after? How do you deal with feelings of self-doubt? And who do you want to add to Lauren's list of sanctioned stamp victims? All answers to [email protected] please!
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Soggy bogs and misty eyes
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A non-league ground lined with golf brollies for a rainy FA Cup tie reminded me of being at Histon as an 11-year-old. This time, Leeds brought the magic.
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