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Congratulations! If you're reading this then you've made it through the shortest day of the year. Hallefuckinglejuh. I don't know about you but I'm feeling ready to hunker down for a few days and not think about anything important, but before I can do that, there's something really important to attend to, and that's recognising and celebrating the fact that football is about so much more than tournaments, league tables, trophies and medals — it's also about fashion, hair and drama! At least, it is over here in THE BLOOMIN' WIMMIN'S GAME ๐
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So today, before I sign off the festive break, I'm here to present some of the more important awards from 2023. I hope you enjoy them and I would love to get some angry emails from you lot disagreeing with my decision. Please send any and all alternative categories and nominees to [email protected] so I can have a good stew and a chuckle over the Christmas period.
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Meantime, thank you for tuning into these emails over the last few months, I am really glad and thankful that I get to share the wonder and fun of footie with you all.
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Happy holidays, with lots of love
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While honourable mentions go to Sarina Wiegman's bomber jacket and the Arsenal 23/24 away kit, this award could only go to Lucy Bronze's Windsor Castle attire.
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In May, Lucy Bronze was made a Member of the British Empire in recognition of her services to football, acknowledging her 100+ England caps and contribution to the Lionesses bringing it home for the first time in nearly 60 years.
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"A real privilege to be recognised for something I love doing everyday," Bronze said, and yeah, what better way to celebrate being told you're alright by the royal family than donning a white and cream suit with a frill-fringed cuff, a chunky brown belt, and a golden laurel wreath?
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On Jill Scott's Coffee Club podcast, Bronze told her former England teammate that she felt she had to dress like that as everybody else did, and that she considered a fascinator but felt she wouldn't be able to pull it off.
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Her Barcelona teammates reportedly laughed at her, with 'keeper Sandra Paños telling Bronze, "you look like you're about to ride a horse".
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Speaking of fucking stupid hats, has anyone checked on former US women's national team goalkeeper Ashlyn Harris lately?
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'Ashlyn who?' I hear you cry. Correct answer! Irrelevant!
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Nah, this bitch is too twisted to be irrelevant. If you missed out on my comprehensive guide to the most sordid WoSo scandal in living memory, then a brief recap: Harris filed for divorce from her wife, her former US and Gotham FC teammate Ali Krieger, weeks before Krieger was due to celebrate her retirement from playing. The news blew up in the media and on the internet, and a post by Krieger referencing Beyoncé's Lemonade seemed to CONFIRM that Harris had cheated and the WoSo world got behind Krieger's Gotham FC to seal the NWSL Championship to spite the unfaithful witch.
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Like all good villains, Harris got the comeuppance she deserved — watching Krieger lift the NWSL trophy while she drafted a notes app plea for mercy to share on Instagram (comments-restricted, of course).
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If kept well, few natural elements can wield so great a power as a swishy ponytail and Jenna Clark boasts the best in the biz.
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It's no wonder that Liverpool wanted to get their hands on it this summer, prising the Scot away from City, where she'd played for the last five years. Since then, her powers have only increased. Look at the way she is colluding with her supernatural barnet to keep the most naturally gifted football player in the country at bay here?!
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No, is this..... witchcraft?
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Dramatic Moment of the Year ๐
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I think that, on some level, I'm still recovering from Lauren James' red card against Nigeria. In the last painful moments of that godforsaken match, in my head, I couldn't marry up the grave reality of the situation with everything I had imagined for the Lionesses' World Cup.
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But while it was grim, it was also iconic. The consequences were disturbing but the moment's inherent dramatic value is worth admiring.
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The young prodigy who missed out on Euros glory with injury had great expectations to live up to, exceeded them to become all anyone was talking about, then threw it all away in one moment of emotion? Amid footballing performances deemed unreal, beyond the capabilities of most people, here was a glimpse of a human being.
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It was also a reminder of the lottery of life, that so many of her colleagues might have grafted for years for that moment, only to have the chance of triumph snatched away from them by a person whose actions were outside of their control.
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I felt like such a child when I was getting ready to go to the opening of the Women's Super League in October. I'd never been to Stamford Bridge before, and it felt like once again the women's game had gained a whole bunch of new fans over the course of the World Cup.
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Mostly, though, to be honest, I was excited to see Zeฤira Mušoviฤ back in action after she kicked Megan Rapinoe and her megalomaniac cronies out of the World Cup with a show-stopping shot-stopper performance in Melbourne.
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It was boss bitch stuff and I felt sure that I was about to get a front row seat to some more breathtaking 'keeping in London.
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With one ungainly stretch of her feet, Mušoviฤ surrendered her clean sheet and gave Spurs a way back into the game as they cut Chelsea's lead in half. Honestly? I hated it.
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Highlight of the Year ๐
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Underdog gets last minute winner is a moment of joy at the best of times.
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But when the expected victor is Alexandra Popp’s Germany and when the figurehead of the team pulling off the scalp is a teenage cancer survivor called Linda with the lightest feet in the southern hemisphere? The whole thing hits different.
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Like Lauren James, Linda Caicedo was expected to do big things at the World Cup and goddamn the gal did ‘em. Her goal was a stunner, but Manuela Vanegas’ injury-time header would have been NOTHIN’ without the Germany comeback.
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So I’d like to take this opportunity to personally thank Player of the Match Alexandra Popp, who scored the late penalty which seemed to salvage a point for her side, for giving me one of my favourite football moments ever.
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"I don't know what else to say so I'm going to get off the stage before I get the boot from Gary Lineker WHEYYY" — Mary Earps rounding off her BBC Sports Personality of the Year award with a SPONTANEOUS little QUIP. She looked great, sounded great, did the lasses proud by becoming the third successive woman to take home the award and I hope she had the best time celebrating ๐
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- January 7 — FA Women's National League Division One North
- Leeds United Women are on recess now until 2024, when they'll begin their attempt to close the nine-point gap to the top of the table at home to Doncaster Rovers Belles.
- January 14 — West Riding County First Division
- Leeds Hyde Park kick off the new year away at first-placed Ilkley Town.
- We trail them by six and have two games in hand, so it could be a โก๏ธ decisive moment โก๏ธ in the race for the title and promotion.
- January — PDA attack
- For those of you who also find Sam Kerr and Kristie Mewis' incessant bae-posts on Instagram unbearable, I'm sorry to inform you that it's about to get a whole lot WORSE.
- Until now, their sickable affection dumps have been limited by the Atlantic ocean which separates Kristie, who plays in New Jersey for Gotham FC and Sam, who plays for Chelsea in London.
- ....but that's all set to change as Kristie is bound for London-based WSL side West Ham United.
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- February — NOT the Arnold Clark Cup
- est. in 2022, the invitational tournament is an iconic fixture in the WoSo calendar and a good chance of trophy for the Lionesses' cabinet, since they've won both editions.
- but in 2024 it WON'T happen because it clashes with the Nations League finals, contested between Spain, Germany, the Netherlands and France.
- March — the Continental Cup final
- It has been announced that Molineux, home to Wolverhampton Wanderers, will host the final of the League Cup this season.
- Nikki Doucet, CEO of NewCo who is in charge of running the top two tiers said it is "one of the country's most iconic stadiums".
- Next season — NOT Jonatan Giráldez staying on as Barcelona manager
- the Tiny Genius has won 95% of his games at the helm of the Blaugrana, as well as de facto masterminding Spain's World Cup win by managing most of their players.
- ...but he has told Barcelona that he won't renew his contract at the end of this season, and has been rumoured to be bound for Washington Spirit who have allegedly offered him BIG MONEY.
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Soggy bogs and misty eyes
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A non-league ground lined with golf brollies for a rainy FA Cup tie reminded me of being at Histon as an 11-year-old. This time, Leeds brought the magic.
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