Brenden Aaronson scored one goal on Sunday, but the internet has not yet fully expunged all traces of a stray Fotmob notification that tried making it two. For reasons known only to the year of our technolord 2022, a few minutes into Salzburg’s game against Austria Wien goal alerts were sent around the world declaring Noah Okafor’s opening goal had been scored by Brenden Aaronson.

In the second half he did score a confidently placed penalty to make it 4-0, but despite plenty of evidence to the contrary (including Red Bull’s own tweets) he was and in some places still is being credited with a brace. One very confident (but now I think deleted) tweet from one of those ‘hot prospect analysis’ types who can’t have actually been watching reckoned that ‘not only has he scored two goals … he is the best on the pitch (by far).’ Oh, the perils of the Fotmob analyst! Remember, the old fashioned eye test still has plenty to offer.

Back to health. Back on the scoresheet!

Brenden Aaronson with the penalty as @FCRBS_en are on their way to the Austrian Bundesliga title!

???? @ForTheFansHQ pic.twitter.com/JNtLU6BAmb

— USMNT: Qualified. (@USMNT) April 24, 2022

All was well for Aaronson, though, who was making his comeback from several weeks out with a medial knee ligament injury that also kept him away from national team duty, joining in the celebrations of a 5-0 win that secured Salzburg’s ninth consecutive league title. It’s important to remember at this point that the Salzburg franchise only exists because energy drinks manufacturer Red Bull bought a real football club, Austria Salzburg, and destroyed it, deleting its history from the club website and banning any fans wearing its violet and white colours from the stadium. This hideous corporate branch now dominates the Austrian Bundesliga, treating the competition as a development league for young players it plans to move on to its other franchises or sell for profit, and as a springboard into the Champions League to give the Red Bull brand more exposure.

But it seemed like Brenden had a nice time anyway, as this was the first trophy he’d won in Europe with fans (of an energy drink manufacturer) in the stadium. As such, the off-brand beer showers (where was the Red Bull? someone might be in trouble) on the pitch were a new thing to him.

“We don’t have that in America when you win something, but here it’s different,” he said, lager dripping from his tousled hair. I’m sure I’ve seen loads of players and coaches getting dunked in American sports, but perhaps young Brenden has been living a sheltered life. “You can have fun with the guys, I tried not to get hit for as long as possible but I wasn’t quick enough. I’m not a big drinker but maybe I’ll have one.”

I should hope he isn’t a big drinker, as the legal age in his home state of New Jersey is 21 and he only hit that milestone in October. I’m not sure I expected him to be quite the puritan that the video of him racing around the pitch trying to avoid feeling a drop of the devil’s drink suggests:

Brenden Aaronson running from beer showers after Salzburg won the league title ????????

(via dillondotcom/IG) pic.twitter.com/uhBv7h54V7

— USMNT Only (@usmntonly) April 24, 2022

They got him in the end. Then he gave an interview saying ‘maybe I’ll have one’. Then he’s going to move to Leeds and experience the British lifestyle. And we’re going to be hauling this precious innocent out of pubs for the next five years, aren’t we?

If things had been different, we could have been the ones sobering him up today, filling him with coffee and Monster (ha, take that!) on the bus to London to help us beat Crystal Palace. Although he now has a second league title on his mantelpiece and the sweet taste of hops in his mouth, there hasn’t been much else for Brenden to stick around Salzburg for since he was kept out of our clutches in January’s transfer window. Apart from, you know, the sheer beauty of the city, the mountains and the people. He played in the Champions League knockout match with Bayern Munich that Red Bull were desperate to keep him for, credited with one assist in the surprise 1-1 draw in the home leg — although again, the eye test is useful here because his touch was a failure to control that sent the ball spinning to scorer Chikwubuike Adamu — then another in the away leg, a proper one this time, a driving run through the centre and a pass to Maurits Kjærgaard. Salzburg lost that game 7-1, though. And his knee injury has otherwise kept him sidelined, totting up just 300 minutes of league football since the end of January. He did score two goals in those minutes, against Rapid Wien and Wolfsberger, both from late arrivals into the box, shooting in like prime Lee Bowyer.

The Salzburg franchise have four meaningless league games left, time for Aaronson to build up fitness and (real) goals and assists before he lets his agent start answering Victor Orta’s calls again. There’s also the Austrian Cup final coming up on 1st May against SV Reid, to make it a second successive stultifying double for the whole of Austria to resent. Brenden likes playing against Reid, getting an assist in August’s 7-1 win (a calm short pass in the penalty area) and another in October’s 2-2 draw (a short straight pass into the penalty area). And if he wins two trophies in a week he might soon really like beer. ⬢