Leeds United’s new manager Jesse Marsch happily called himself “a company man” during seven years working to promote Red Bull energy drinks while coaching soccer teams in New York, Leipzig and Salzburg. This has some advantages: he knows what ‘gegenpressing’ means without having to ask, and probably even ‘zone 14’, and he only has to sleep three hours out of every 72. But it also has disadvantages, like the internet being full of gifs his former employers made of him to sell cans of fizzy taurine.
Faced with such an onslaught of corporation mandated content, what are we to do? Rank a bunch of it out of ten, that’s what:
Let’s start at the bottom. Nothing says ‘Marcelo Bielsa is not your manager anymore’ like a corporate gif of his replacement popping an arm wave, badly. It gets two points because breakdancing is cool but the Pardew vibes are too strong to award more than that, 2/10
There are loads of these from when he joined Leipzig last year. He was only head coach for a few months. Was it all worth it, Jesse? A “company man” for seven years and this is how they do you? Good acting though, 4/10
Back to New York for some in-game action. See that elbow motion? Get used to it. Although at Leeds he’s likely to end up dislocating it, giving Rob Price even more to do. Seen worse celebrations, 5/10
We love the passion. But we also loved Marcelo Bielsa sipping a cup of coffee as the goals rained in, making the occasional big celebrations even more important. We’re always going to compare this stuff to that I’m afraid so no more than 4/10
This seems like a nice moment, but then Jesse starts thumping that shoulder like he’s testing the integrity of a cavity wall. No waiting to see the surveyor’s report for Jesse Marsch, no sir. 6/10
Not so cute. The Red Bull social media machine really made sure there is a Jesse Marsch gif for every possible event, including this, in case one day after a taurine fuelled rampage he is resisting the police come to arrest him for a sudden spate of stranglings. Let’s get in front of the criminology narrative, we got a gif for it! 1/10
Jesse when he finds out about this blog post. Don’t blame me, Marsch man, blame the company! 2/10
Some in-game advice. We’ve all seen coaches do this big lungs, more effort thing, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it done for this long. Jesse even seems to run out of steam by the end, like he’s started but doesn’t know how to stop. 5/10
Again, Jesse, the point was made with the first couple of rotations of your nipple tassels and this goes on far too long. Leave that stuff to Bettie Page, 3/10
Pitchside anger like we haven’t seen since, um, Garry Monk having a go at David Wagner? Kind of looking forward to him doing this when Mike Dean is fourth official, 7/10
Oh great, they had him bodypopping at Salzburg too. Wait, so is it their thing, or his thing? Is he locked in negotiations with Leeds’ social media team now, begging to be allowed to do the arm wave, while they plead with him, no no no no no? 2/10
I’m showing you this so that everybody knows that nobody should do this. ‘Marschterclass’ indeed. The Marschmellow Man, yes, I came up with that and it’s brilliant. Marschterclass, no. 0/10
What four foot ghost is Jesse imagining punching here? We know he has history with Frank Lampard Junior, does he harbour grudges against Lee Johnson too? Good if so, 6/10
Again with the elbow thing, only this time he’s not punching, it’s like a bacon slicer. Gonna miss the days when Bielsa’s most demonstrative post-match celebrations were to put his hand on a lower league coach’s shoulder and tell them they should be in the Champions League, but I guess I won’t mind this stuff if we’re winning. 5/10
‘If Frank Lampard can get a formal apology, so can I.’ Can’t fault this, 7/10
Bielsa’s calves drew a lot of admiration in his time at Leeds so at least this gif suggests Marsch won’t let us down in that department. But Jesse, if you’re reading, do not do this at Elland Road this season. It doesn’t matter how loudly you can hear Victor Orta bellowing from the posh seats, do not turn to him and do this. Good fit and strong seams on that suit though, 4/10
Will we get suit Jesse in England, or hoodie Jesse? Now he’s free of the old corporation, will he be rebelling against the man by bringing a preppy Princeton look to our sidelines? As the owner of at least three velour polo shirts, I’ll give this 7/10
Can’t do this post without it, this is one of the most popular. Sigh. Oh well. 4/10
It me, remembering Bielsa on the touchline. Feeling that, 10/10
I did warn you, there are a lot of Jesse Marsch gifs. Product placement innit. Check those image rights clauses next time, Jesse! It shouldn’t have to be this way. 0/10
As a reward for making it this far, an old friend, proving that gifs aren’t only for the kids. David Batty in the West Stand, not a Tetley’s advert in sight, a Leeds United gif done right. ⬢
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