Fail to prepare, they say, prepare to fail. That’s why I’ve lived the last decade of my life feeling smug, safe in the knowledge that if men with guns were to burst into my room and tell me to pitch a business idea to Dragons Den or else the walls will get painted with my brains, I’d tell them to put their weapons down, take a seat, and listen to this: Dog Shazam.

The premise is simple. Sometimes you see a dog and want to know what breed it is, so you could upload a photo to Dog Shazam and the app — available on both iOS and Android! — would tell you exactly what you need to know, accompanied by a pie chart if it was a mix of different breeds. Exactly how it would work is for the squares to worry about. It would be a hit in Huddersfield, and I’d be a very rich man with his skull intact.

My heart sank after I just googled ‘Dog Shazam’ and the first result was a 2016 article from The Columbus Dispatch titled, ‘Shazam for dogs? Microsoft unveils dog-identifying tool.’ Thankfully, what-dog.net no longer seems to be registered as a domain and the app has disappeared, so there’s still a gap in the market. An alternative exists called Dog Scanner but, no offence, it doesn’t seem to be very accurate. I uploaded a photo of my girlfriend’s cat, Pablo, and it told me he’s an Italian greyhound crossed with an English setter. I also uploaded the following photo…

😍😍😍😍😍

🐶⚽️ Magdalena también para Óscar#PPO👂 pic.twitter.com/TgfvQfW0gc

— CD Castellón 💯 (@cdcastellon) March 3, 2024

…and according to Dog Scanner it’s a Portuguese podengo, even though it looks nothing like a Portuguese podengo and a lot like a cockerpoo:

The reason I’m so interested in this furry friend called Oscar is because, now the actual Pablo Hernandez has retired, he’s the new hero of Castellon. After a 1-0 win over San Fernando that put them five points clear at the top of the table, Oscar stole the show with the type of tackle that should put him on Huddersfield’s radar as a replacement for the suspended Jonathan Hogg:

Red card! pic.twitter.com/Bbi4xygWQn

— Haralabos Voulgaris (@haralabob) March 3, 2024

As Half Man Half Biscuit sang: ‘Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch / it generates a warmth around the ground that augurs well for mankind / and that’s what life’s about.’ Tranmere’s finest wrote that long before they saw Oscar wearing a snazzy Castellon neckerchief, swiping someone’s legs from behind and getting a round of applause from the crowd:

Ahí está pic.twitter.com/XPrDy3igIR

— Carlos Castillo (@carloscdeejay) March 3, 2024

Oscar’s joy is indicative of the good vibes at Castellon this season. Pablo has retired, staying on as an advisor and ambassador while he casts his spells in the batshit mental Kings League, but they are looking good for promotion after second-place Ibiza lost at the weekend and Castellon snatched a late winner through an 85th-minute own goal.

Their owner Haralabos ‘Bob’ Voulgaris was recently interviewed by The Guardian’s Sid Lowe. Turns out Oscar is Voulgaris’ dog, following him around Castellon’s training ground during the interview. (He’s also a bernedoodle, not a cockerpoo, which Dog Shazam would have told me.) A professional gambler, Voulgaris is fighting the “culture war” against analytics in sport. At times he sounds like a worrying cross between Massimo Cellino, Victor Orta, and Andrea Radrizzani:

“We calculated the cost to go up, our predicted promotion. People act like we spend a lot but it’s very reasonable. I didn’t have the luxury of patience; we faced bankruptcy. Our first-team budget is around €2.2m (£1.7m). We’ll spend but I won’t throw $350,000 at some 35-year-old. We’re doing it differently. Young players, proper coaches, staff, the right facilities.”

Voulgaris gestures at the new training ground, the infrastructure overseen by [Dave] Reddin, who had worked with England rugby, the Football Association and Team GB. “This is the backbone,” he says. “And we’re spending a lot on analytics, player evaluation.

“I’m not a ceramics billionaire: I won’t dump $200m on a new stadium. Our revenue is capped: in the first division, the league would set our salary limit at €34m, €35m. I’m also hesitant to take sponsorship I don’t vibe with. I come from gambling but view gambling companies as parasites. It’s a challenge but if you’re good at player trading you’ll be fine. Clubs like Brighton have done it.

“I’m overbearing in squad composition,” Voulgaris admits. Is that hard for the sporting director? There’s a smile. “We don’t really have one.” And the coach? Voulgaris admits seeing one starting XI last season and thinking: really? “But,” he says, “the coach does what he wants. I ask questions, like to understand, but don’t interfere.
…
“I think we’re doing pretty special stuff here. It’s our model so it’s biased, but we’re 53% to win the league.”

Coached by Dick Schreuder — the brother of Alf Schreuder, who was almost appointed as Jesse Marsch’s replacement at Leeds but lost the job before he even got it — Castellon’s league position means Voulgaris’ confidence is justified. While he knows his ideas might clash with the received wisdom in football, he has Oscar by his side to help:

“He’s the ultimate ice breaker; he takes the pressure off round here. That human element is the biggest challenge, the most interesting part of the puzzle. You can’t put that on the spreadsheet.”

You can’t put Oscar on a spreadsheet, but judging by his tackling you could put him in the number 4 shirt. If Voulgaris is as bold as he thinks he is, he’d give it a go. Until then, Oscar will just have to keep generating a warmth around the ground that augurs well for mankind, ‘cos that’s what life’s about.

He’s ready pic.twitter.com/llPzczZulY

— Haralabos Voulgaris (@haralabob) March 3, 2024

⬢

(Photograph: @cdcastellon)